While packing for our weekend away last weekend, going to our younger son’s hockey tournament, I was working out how much art stuff to bring and which sketchbooks.
It has happened before, but I was again realizing how personal everything is. I don’t like anyone to see my sketchbooks or watercolour pads. Just like how I wrote how secretive I treated my work while creating the art for the Film End Credits (click to see that April 2nd blog post), I was again confronted with the realization that I don’t like anyone to see my work until I am finished.
As an overthinker, I visualize where I may get an opportunity to work on some art pieces, and who may be around (such as the Ferry or is there anywhere I could work while waiting for the hockey game?). It rules out any kind of sketchbook with pages already filled in case people we are with happen to be around and ask to see any work. I hadn’t thought too much on why I don’t like people to see the pages of my sketchbook, or unfinished work, but reflecting now, it is obviously insecurity. Unfinished work doesn’t ever give the full impact. Rough sketches are just ideas, like brainstorming. I put horrible looking ideas on a sketchbook, picturing exactly how it will turn out on the finished piece. Viewing unfinished work and sketchbooks are like looking at my thought process. Like a brainstorm cloud (is that what it is called?), where you start with one idea on the centre of the page and you just word dump other thoughts relating to that idea, all around it. Why would you show a brainstorm cloud to someone? It is personal.
I ended up getting a good chance to work in the hotel room while kids were running in and out of the room, playing with mini hockey sticks and finding other kids on the team and running room to room. It was quiet as I sat at the bar stool in the suite kitchen, plus kids don’t care and are too busy playing to notice what I am working on. We had bought a few groceries, so I made peppermint tea and sketched – I didn’t bother packing paints.
I have a process and methods to how I form ideas and work, best left undisturbed. I saw a quote a while ago that said ‘I make art to show my soul that I am listening.’ So maybe more than being an insecurity, it is that I am listening to my soul and creating something to reflect how I feel. Until I am ready to present that, it is too personal.