Stories and Guilt

When the call ended, I sat on the couch in that mall hallway, with the sun coming in from the skylights above, and I just basked in that feeling.

Gratefulness. I was in the mall, in the middle of a day, on a Saturday. I had just spoken with one of my ‘families’ from the Netherlands. One of the families I lived with while I was there for my year when I was 18. They came out to my wedding 16.5 year ago.

I haven’t seen them since, but we have kept in touch with emails and photos and cards over the years. But guilt had been eating away at me. I am not great at being consistent with my correspondence, especially mail. Email is ok, but not the same and I wanted to send cards in the mail for birthdays and Christmas. I would always send them too late to arrive on time. So then, when I worry about something like that – a card being late, I let fear set in. Because let’s face it, a late card could be taken as though I don’t care enough to get it out on time. When fear sets in, you tell yourself stories. Such as: they think I am lazy or don’t care, so they are upset and didn’t write back.

So that’s one thing: It’s really the made up stories that cause the anxiety or guilt. It’s likely not true at all (it wasn’t). When I sat down to think about it, I didn’t always receive cards either. Life gets busy. They have kids and grandkids.

Here’s the other thing: I just finished reading a fascinating book. Power vs. Force (David R. Hawkins). I heard about it because of the ‘Map of Consciousness’ within its pages. This talks about the human emotions and the energy level associated with each. The better feeling the emotion, the higher the ‘energy’ level. Guilt and shame are the lowest two negative emotions. And to contrast, enlightenment and peace are the highest at the opposite end of the ‘map’.

I had bought this book in December, and before I had even read the book or referenced this map, my worry was too much. One early morning, I got up and wrote out a long letter to this Dutch family. And I put it in the mail with their Christmas card. Without looking back. I wanted to express that although I don’t send mail as often or as ‘on time’ as I would like, I think of them always and they are important to me. I wondered after if it came off a touch dramatic when they emailed me last week arranging a time they could call me. (Not dramatic – just another story when I am questioning myself).

And call me they did. I’d tried to time it so I wouldn’t be in the mall at the time, but with a 9 hour time difference, the call came through once my day was underway. And it made my day. It was nice to hear their voices again (we have talked on the phone, just not very often). We caught up, talked about memories of my time there as well as my wedding. And they surprised me with news that they had also talked about visiting again. We are going to plan dates that would work for a visit in the fall.

Guilt alchemized to gratitude. In the days after the email to arrange a call I recognized how aligned this was with the book I’ve just finished. Reaching out to people important to me. Releasing guilt. Not sitting in a ‘lower energy’ when I could release that and live in a better emotional energy frequency. And having a map is always helpful to know where you are now and where you want to go.

Sending Love,

Devon