Let Them Talk

“He’s being really annoying because he always bugs me to go with him after school and I don’t want to.” My younger son is telling me as he is peeling the carrots for supper and I am preparing food at the stove.

I had asked him to help peel carrots for supper. Not his favourite task, so he complains to begin with, but this time, he got started on the topic of school. He is in grade 7 now and it seemed he just needed to let some thoughts out. He complained about kids he finds annoying and what they were doing to annoy him. He talked about kids in his class, and the group of kids he likes to bike ride with in the school neighbourhood. There are a lot of houses with kids close to the school, and now they are big enough and the weather was still good to all get on bikes and ride around. He just kept chatting away, and didn’t complain about helping anymore because he had too much to tell me.

Which isn’t normally the way it goes. He tells me about his day, but I was amused as he just kept going and obviously had to vent about some grade 7 problems. So I let him chat away as it was nice to have the help as well without the complaining being directed at the food or the work.

My husband and I have noticed that the boys complain to me more or let out their frustrations – it’s not uncommon for this to be in a rude way – and directed these frustrations at me. We have heard the term ‘safe person’ in regards to this. They feel safe to let their emotions show and feel they can get mad. I suppose they know that they can express those emotions and whether they get scolded or comforted, they feel ok expressing what needs to come out. Of course everyone would have different relationships with that person they can vent to, but my husband and I have talked about the fact that they will complain and be rude to me – I like to think they are learning how to get those emotions out and learning the best way to do so. I will tell them when they are being rude or when it’s not acceptable.

In equal measure, they do also confide in me when they need or want to talk about something.

I know when they are young, it can be easy to wave them away if you are busy in your own world, dealing with your own stresses or emotions. It’s something I have been guilty of, but I did also learn to let them talk. When they have things they want to tell you about, let them. It doesn’t happen all the time and it encourages keeping those lines of communication open. I did learn this from an article I read years ago, that if you let them tell you all about anything when they are little, they will get used to that and keep talking to you when they might be less inclined to confide when they become teenagers. I have always taken that message to heart. When all they want to do is tell you all about video game levels and the chests and treasures you can work towards, I’ve encouraged it, even though many times I was not really able to follow along with the explanations, nor would I ever be playing the game to apply any of this information. There were times I did wish that the car ride would hurry up and end already. It also caught my notice when something was passionately talked about. And that’s when I especially hoped to keep them talking.

Sending Love,

Devon